Archive: Balance

How being depressed is hopeful

Dr. Peter Breggin is a rare bird – a psychiatrist who does not believe in drugs.  He has been a psychotherapist (and psychiatrist) for over 45 years.

He never gives psychiatric drugs to people who are depressed – there are too many warnings on these drugs, and could very well make them feel worse.

He believes, as I do, that depression is a total loss of hope. When we have hope, we think we have a future, love, companionship and connection.  Hopelessness is a loss of all this.  The loss of hope may have begun in childhood or later in life, but the one measure that can predict recovery from depression is hopefulness.

Yes, there is likely a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that is not the cause – just another result of the loss of hopefulness.  Therefore, the most fundamental thing to help someone – and to help yourself if you’re depressed – is to build a hopeful relationship. A loving and supportive relationship with another. If possible, discover where you lost hope, and then seek help to unravel that time in your life, re-adding hopefulness into your life and re-taking charge.

There is a truism that once we realize it, we realize we’ve always known it: that we can only get what we seek; and so this means that if we want to enjoy life, we must seek what we love to do. It’s something we need to take charge of, not something that will necessarily come our way otherwise.

Being depressed can actually be a hopeful sign, because it means you still have feelings: that you hate where you’re at means that you know where you want to be. Your feelings mean you have a passion and a huge capacity for life that has been thwarted and inhibited by life circumstances.

If you’re depressed, then see if you can find the passion that’s been buried under pain and disappointment, and find the help you need to unearth and revive it. Rediscover what you’re missing, what you’ve lost, what blocks it. It’s in each of our hands to discover how we want to live and then to do just that.

Mona Lisa of the Dust Bowl

owens

Quote of the Day
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
– Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my websitewww.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly atmaryanne@thejoyofliving.co

 

Hanging in there – the difference between success and failure

When I researched this topic, most the material I read focused on the success or failure of a particular business venture. What we do is part of our lives and failure in that arena can feel like failure in life.  But I was really thinking about life in general because many people who don’t have great success in their jobs have amazingly successful lives: their happy, healthy, active, and connected with their world.

I believe that’s what most of us want, and why we try so hard to be successful in what we do.  A flaw in this thinking is that once we achieve success, we often find we aren’t any happier than before. Success is more a feeling than a condition – feeling happy supports and even enhances health; and both health and happiness inspire us to be active in our world.

Wayne Dyer  believes that feeling successful depends on a single truth: Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.

In other words, when we have a positive view of ourselves, our lives and our world, what we see is what is positive and beneficial to life and to ourselves.  The world hasn’t changed, only our own focus. We still see the negative, but our focus isn’t on that part of life.

Dyer goes on to say this view is backed by physics: science has discovered that simply viewing a sub-atomic particle will change it. If we extend this to objects made up of these particles – the rest of the universe, including ourselves –  then it’s not that big a stretch to imagine that the way we view our world affects our world.

Given this, how can we begin to change the way we look at things?

  • Failure is essential to success. Success begins with failure, because living is about learning through trial and error.  Without failing first, we couldn’t know or even appreciate our successes.
  • Choose your focus. I deliberately choose a focus for my day, and my year.  This year, it’s physical balance, which means that everything I do has to contribute to that balance. So even on days where I fall short of achieving balance, I feel pretty good, knowing that everything I do – whether it works or not – is aimed at that.
  • Hang in there. It’s often said that the difference between success and failure is whether we stay or go; so stay.
  • Enjoy the benefits of your choice.  Last week I talked about Tolle’s challenge of acting as if we chose whatever is happening to us.  If we have a clear focus of intent that contributes to our success in life, then in a real sense we are choosing everything that happens. So relax, and enjoy the ride.
Deepak Chopra – the 7 Spiritual Laws of Success


Quote of the Day

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. -Bob Dylan
Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my websitewww.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly atmaryanne@thejoyofliving.co

Accepting the moment as if you had chosen it

Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Eckhart Tolle

Sometimes, a moment will jump out at us, as if we’ve been waiting for it all our lives.  This quote from Eckhart Tolle is one of those moments for me.

How often have I said to myself or out loud “Why me?! How did whatever-it-is happen to me?  What did I do to deserve it?” Seeing myself as a victim of circumstances, perhaps being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As an experiment, what would change or alter for me if I accepted any moment as if I’d chosen it?  Because in a way I have chosen it: I might choose the real possibility of being late if I worked late the night before and drag myself out of bed in the morning, not really physically ready for any issues that might arise; or I might choose to put myself in a new situation where a lot I can’t predict might happen; or alternatively, I might choose to rest and remain home, safe and sound, missing any opportunities for growth that day – except what might happen in my nice, seemingly safe home.

As Tolle points out, the challenge isn’t to assume that the state we are currently in is entirely our doing.    Some things are unavoidable: a big or small misfortune, a long-term disease – some things are simply given to us by Nature.  His challenge for us is to act as if we chose what is, at any moment, part of our lives. I believe it’s really about taking charge of the moment, of altering our perspective from seeing the world as happening to us to really simply being in the world.

So, I challenged myself to live this an entire day. Beginning in the morning, I would take a moment throughout the day to ask myself Tolle’s question – What if I accept this moment as if I’d chosen it? – then journal my response.

Here are a few journal entries:

2am – Can’t sleep; there’s a skunk nearby. Get up, heat some milk, take a few drops of walnut tincture, and go back to bed.  Relax; let the skunk be there at that moment.  I think I needed that wake-up call; I’ve been over-busy lately.
Noon – late for circuit training class; left it as late as possible, getting a last bit of research in.  Could it have waited? Yes, but I’m worried I’ll be late in getting it done.  I wonder what I can do differently that will help me stop worrying.
End of day – This day was really pretty uneventful!  No real worries. No real challenges. Kind of a nice day.  I wonder if I chose the wrong day to experiment with.

In answer to myself, I didn’t chose the wrong day. With a different mindset, this might have been a day of annoyances.  Instead, it became a nice day.

If you find yourself in a day that seems to be going badly, see if you can ask yourself the question:  What if I were to accept this moment as if I chose it?

Eckhart Tolle

Quote of the Day

“What day is it?”
It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day,” said Pooh.”
A. A. Milne
Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

Compassion Training – falling in love with life

This past weekend, I was at a conference on Mindfulness and Psychotherapy that included, among many worthwhile things, a talk on compassion training. The presenter was Susan Polluck. Much was said about the background and basis for this training – I simply want to focus on what it is and how we can incorporate it into our own lives.

Compassion training is about falling in love with life, and includes extending that loving kindness to those around us. The training has three parts:  self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness vs self-criticism; Common humanity vs isolation (It’s not just me who suffers); and mindfulness vs overidentification – be with our suffering as it is. Overidentification happens when we’re engaged in something with little awareness of being engaged, like those times when we’re watching a mini-series and forget that it’s only a show.

It helps us cultivate good will or good intentions towards ourselves and our world. More importantly, it invites us to be fully human, learning to accept ourselves just as we are, here and now, learning to motivate ourselves with kindness and encouragement instead of with criticism, just as a loving grandmother would.

Compassion means to “suffer with” another person, beginning with ourselves.  Moments of suffering happen to each of us ever day – compassion training teaches us how to be with this suffering with kindness and care. Right now, here’s something you can build into your day any time you have a moment of pain, or fear, or shame, or suffering. Ms. Polluck gave this presentation on behalf of her colleague, Chris Germer, who was sick.  She’d been asked only the evening before and was, herself, having a moment of pain.  Here’s what she gave herself, and taught us – she calls it a self-compassion break.

Self-compassion break

Place one or both hands over your heart or belly; and say in your own words
  • This is a moment of suffering (or of shame, of fear, of anxiety, of pain, the word that captures this moment for you)
  • Life has many such moments
  • And I’m not alone
  • May I accept myself just as I am

The Three Components of Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff

Quote of the Week

Close your eyes, Fall in love, Stay there. – Rumi

 

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my websitewww.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly at  maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

Falling in Love with Nature

This newsletter is really about Louie Schwartzberg and what he’s learned from Nature.  In one of his Ted Talks [link to , he talks about what he believes Nature teaches us: that Nature uses beauty and seduction for survival, because we protect what we fall in love with. And there aren’t many of us who don’t fall in love with that beauty, or who aren’t seduced by it.

In a recent interview, he discussed how, through his filming of Nature over the years, he came to appreciate the drive that all of Nature has to survive, to perpetuate life through generations. From this, he has come to believe that Nature teaches us how to live a creative and sustainable life.

The next time you see a bee take nectar from a flower, take the time to see the attraction between the flower and the bee, and how each gives and takes from the other, so that both benefit from the exchange.

Nature feeds our eyes, ears, all our senses. Our interaction with it floods us with dopamine, bringing us a sense of joy and well-being. From 52 Ways to Fall in Love with the Earth, here are a few you might do:

  • Watch through Nature’s eyes. Spend time watching birds as they migrate back for the summer.  Starlings, for instance, surround us. If we suspend judgment about them and simply watch how they flock and sing, their grace can be mesmerizing.
  • Lean against a tree.  Trees communicate with one another through the fungus attached to their roots.  Every forest contains many “Mother” trees that monitor the surrounding trees, regardless of tree type, and send signals to neighboring trees if a tree needs extra nutrients. Trees provide us with so much. What more can trees tell us about living?
  • Dream with the clouds.  Every child does this – spending hours looking at the ever-changing sky; never the same ever again as it was in this particular moment.  Telling us something about possibility and opportunity.

In a new project titled Happiness Revealed, an old man reminds us that every day is a gift; unique and precious.  If we open up our heart to this day, we are offering something precious in return.

Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

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Quote of the Week
Just living is not enough… one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.
-Hans Christian Andersen

 

 Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my websitewww.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly atmaryanne@thejoyofliving.co

When we’re triggered

A few days ago, I got an email from a colleague that made me angry. Not righteously angry – as I might be at an unjust act.  But simply by reading her words, I felt a heat behind my eyes and in my chest that told me I’d been triggered by the words.  Because I was familiar with this feeling, instead of lashing out, I let it sit and waited till the feeling had passed before responding. Whew! Another opportunity for apology and feeling lousy about myself missed!

Tibetan Buddhists refer to this kind of triggering as shenpa. Shenpa is sometimes translated as “attachment”, but Pema Chödrön in her book Taking the Leap prefers liking it to getting “hooked” – we hear a harsh word and something in us tightens, which then quickly spirals into blame or self-denigration.  Whatever it was that triggered us may not bother another person at all: it touches our particular sore place, and that sore place is the place of shenpa.

Self-discipline, coupled with self-acceptance and compassion, is one way of learning to deal with and be with shenpa.

For the Dalai Lama, self-discipline is a fundamental human value, because it helps us take charge of our lives and live responsibly. Self-discipline is really about taking care of ourselves.

But there’s a component to self-discipline that we can easily miss that weakens it’s effect and ultimate impact: whether our efforts include self-acceptance, or not.

Pema Chödrön tells a story – one we might relate to – about working hard, watching our diet, exercising daily, meditating daily. Then one day after years of being very disciplined in our lives, a personal disaster strikes, and we immediately fall apart.  All those years “don’t seem to have added up to the inner strength and kindness for ourselves” that we need to deal with the crises. The reason that self-discipline didn’t help might be because it was lacking in self-acceptance and self-compassion.

The next time you find yourself triggered, once you become aware of it, there are a few things you can do.

  1. Become aware. Notice that you’re triggered.  Identify it as such.  Simply sit with that awareness.
  2. Take 3 deep breaths.  And in that moment, with full self-acceptance and self-compassion, acknowledge where and how you are.  Take it in.
  3. Move on. Relax and move on in your day.  Acknowledge that being triggered is momentary and no big deal.

If you’re new at working with your own triggers, then you might not notice them before reacting.  Once you do realize what happened, that’s the time to practice compassionate self-discipline. At least that way, you will minimize a secondary shenpa that happens to all of us who react to triggers – self-denigration. Then with practice will come increased awareness.

And, once we unhook – Sally Kohn: Let’s try emotional correctness

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Quote of the Week

“A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

Announcements

At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations. For more information, visit my websitewww.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly atmaryanne@thejoyofliving.co

A Kind and Balanced Beginning

So much has happened in 2015 that’s painful – both in the world and, for many of us, in our personal lives.  During these times, it’s helpful to cultivate kindness andbalance, creating an intent to support us through 2016.

Compassion is another word for kindness.  It’s often defined in one of two ways – to “suffer with” another; or to “feel sorry” for another.  The first means to empathize with another person’s pain, connecting with that other at a deep, personal level. The second means the opposite – to distance ourselves from the other, effectively isolating from them. Compassion as kindness connects us to others  in an open-hearted way.  It can also connect us to ourselves, and as Pema Chödrön reminds us, compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.

Balance, according to Google, helps us remain upright and steady. In her Facebook entry How to Stop Making a Big Deal about your Problems Ms. Chödrön writes about balance as making a space within ourselves that both honors whatever happens and at the same time not making those events a big deal. She sees this as balance because it supports us through the rest of our day.

Beginning this new year with the intention of kindness and balance can begin with setting aside a few minutes a day:

  • Make space. Create a physical space for yourself that supports you in this daily intention.  I have a space in my living room where I go to every morning first thing.  It’s calm, open, and free of distraction.
  • Take time out. Give yourself the gift of a few minutes – 5, 10, 20, 40 minutes, whatever works for you, each day. Make it the same time every day, so that you’re less likely to be distracted by other events. I like to take some time first thing, before anything else distracts me.  It helps me shape the rest of my day.  It might also be the only time for letting thoughts and feelings surface that are otherwise conveniently filed away.
  • Cultivate openness. Be open to whatever appears – it may be the only time you can be so open.  Being present in this way lets you simply be with the feeling or thought, honoring it for what it is.

Being with ourselves in this way cultivates kindness toward ourselves.  If done daily, it also helps us sort out what is truly important, bringing us into a better balance, every day

You can learn to cultivate kindness and balance every day. I want to invite you to my free webinar, 3 Brief and Unusual Strategies to Manage Stress on January 5, 2015. You’ll be able to use these short, yet powerful, techniques anywhere to transform your day from stressed out to super, freeing yourself from that rock you might be stuck under.  If you’re interested , click here

David Wilcox – Kindness

Quote of the Week

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.
-Lao Tzu

Announcements

At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  As a registered psychotherapist and stress coach, I offer individual one-on-one consultations.
For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

How we learn to love being alone

We all need alone time – to centre ourselves, collect our wits, process the week or day, or simply be quiet and be with ourselves. For some of us, alone time is lonely – I was reminded of this when I heard a talk on modern isolation.

There’s a difference between aloneness and loneliness: Dove Pragito definesloneliness as a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence; and aloneness as a presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love. You are complete. Nobody is needed, you are enough.

When we’re isolated, we can sometimes feel aloneness, but mostly we feel lonely.Stephen Diamond believes that our high-tech culture makes isolates people, and that loneliness is becoming a bigger problem because of that.  He points out that in our grandparent’s day, when there was only the telephone or regular mail, people got out more, mingled more – every day.

Today we don’t do that very much. We can work at home and communicate online; we can even shop from home, exercise, play.  We can do most of our daily activities without leaving our own space.

Our grandparents, on average, worked shorter hours, socialized person-to-person more and slept longer than we do today.

Feeling lonely can actually stress us by triggering our stress-response system.  Why? Because we are social animals, and being separated from our fellow humans can be a threat to our system. We all have an innate need for connection, for love and companionship, acceptance and recognition.

Having said that, not everyone who works long hours and sleeps less than their grandparents feel lonely.  Some of us cherish this time as our alone time.  It brings us joy and renewed energy. And the difference, according to Deepak Chopra is in how we feel inside ourselves.

To overcome loneliness, he suggests we connect to that part of us isn’t lonely. Sometimes we can feel the loneliest in a room crowded with people. The root of loneliness isn’t about the absence of others, but about the absence of, or a lack in ourselves.

This feeling is universal, and is really a result of the way we live today. There are three steps we can take to begin this journey of self:

  1. First, cultivate acceptance. Accept all our emotions for what they are – true expressions of what’s going on for us right now.  If we’re feeling lonely, then allow that feeling to simply be there, and rather than judge it to be right or wrong, just as you would a child or puppy, approach it with compassion.
  2. Cultivate an inner knowing of yourself through meditation. Meditation comes in many forms, walking, sitting, lying down, doing simple chores.  It isn’t about how you sit or stand, whether you keep your eyes open or closed, it’s about focusing on your breath, quieting the mind, and giving your inner self room to be known. If you meditate with an attitude of self-compassion and self-love, and meditate regularly, then you are building a practice and a habit of self-regard. This is quality alone time.
  3. Meditate on the heart.  Make the heart your focus of attention and imagine breathing into that area.  Allow any thoughts or emotions to arise, noticing them, then returning your attention to the heart. Do this for a few minutes.  Then open your eyes, and for the next 30 minutes, simply observe yourself to see how you are. You’ll likely notice that the effects of meditation linger and make everything around you more vivid.

As you re-discover who you are, you’ll notice that your feeling of loneliness will dissipate, and your sense of aloneness take it’s place.

Announcements

For a set of free 3-minute mindfulness meditations, visit my website. Each one focuses on one of the 7 pillars of mindfulness. It’s a great way to start or end your day.

I’m re-opening enrollment to my program, Burning the Candle at Both Ends this Fall, and working hard on planning a webinar, also in November called Three Brief and Unusual Ways to Live Stress-Free.
I’ll keep you informed as things unfold.

Just say Hello!

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Quote of the Week

I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone
– Lord Byron

 

Children with PTSD

Some of you may be sitting there this Friday wondering what you have to go home and face. I get it, the weekend is supposed to be relaxing but for many – the opposite can be true. Life is hard and terrible things happen, sometimes to children. It is hard enough to be a parent with a child suffering from PTSD, but then to be a working parent – well, you have a battle ahead and I hope some support. If not, please contact me. I do offer FREE consultations to get you started in the right direction.

If you have a child with PTSD, don’t feel different. Many people have children with challenges as a result of uncontrollable circumstances or violence. You are not alone.  If you are not sure if your child is suffering from PTSD, please know that they act differently than adults with PTSD.

For example; many children will refuse to do things which remind them of what happened, for example refuse to get into a car if it was a car accident.

Many children have sleep problems – they find it scary to go to sleep, and have lots of nightmares or shaking during sleep.

Children with PTSD do have separation problems – not wanting to leave their parents, wanting their parents to be with them at night (even older children and teenagers) and they do ‘regress’ in their behavior, losing skills they recently learned (such as wetting the bed, not being able to talk).

More so, children become irritable, easily upset, easily startled and have panic attacks – usually they are always  on the watch for something bad to happen.

If you know something is wrong at home, and there has been a traumatic life event or change in your life with your children or within your child’s life, please seek help. There is no shame in seeking help for you and your child and no reason to be weary of what you will face at home during this up and coming weekend.

http://thejoyofliving.co/

I’m sorry – please forgive me!

Yesterday, one misplaced word in an email I wrote hurt the feelings of a close friend. Even though that was never my intention, it happened.  I immediately made my amends and apologized, learning at a deeper level about the sensitivity I need when writing an email.  There is an art to apologizing that goes way beyond making amends.

We apologize to be polite: I accidentally bump someone on a crowded bus, and I say “sorry”, meaning it. (If I don’t really mean it, that’s still me being polite, but now it’s not very meaningful).

We apologize as a sign of respect: I apologize for having to leave early, I promised my daughter… .

Apologizing has always been a social norm, and with the growth of social media, with people making blunders in front of millions, it’s become more visible.

And as apologizing becomes more visible, so does faking it.

Christina H in Cracked  lists what she believes are the top 6 fakes: “I regret”, when I don’t actually regret anything; “Mistakes were made”, indicating no one in particular, except God or the Universe; apologizing for someone else, when we can really only apologize for ourselves; I’m sorry, but… , refocusing on the excuse or the other guy; pre-emptively apologizing to pre-emptively absolve myself of all wrongs; and finally, apologizing for something not at all bad instead of for the thing that hurt. Humans can be so creative!

Yet, it’s when we have hurt someone and want to make it right, that apologies have the power to change everything. This is when it’s most important to get it right.

Dr. Gary Chapman in his book Things I Wish I’d Known Before Getting Married gives us a 5-step way:

  • Express regret – if we mean it, it shows that we are aware we have caused pain. “I’m so sorry I spoke that way. I know I’ve hurt your feelings and I’m really sorry.”
  • Accept responsibilityspelling out what we did. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
  • Make restitution – showing that we want to make it up to the person we’ve hurt. “I want to make it up to you so that we can be friends again.”
  • Expressing the desire to change behavior – making it real, showing with your actions that you mean it. “I lost my temper because of something that happened earlier; I need to take care of that right away instead of take it out on you.”
  • Requesting forgiveness – the final essential step, because before the apology is seen as sincere, we need to ask for forgiveness, without any expectation that it will be given.

Apologies, given and accepted, have the power to change the world by restoring damaged relationships – between two people, between groups of people, even between nations.

Oprah apologizes to James Frey

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Quote of the Week

An apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.
– Margaret Lee Runbeck