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Trust and Small Moments

Who do you trust? And why?

Last week I went to one of the local coffee shops in my neighborhood – I do a lot of my writing in coffee shops — and discovered it had changed its business hours for the third time this summer. I was frustrated, but even more, decided not to even try to go there again. I was disappointed and even though I knew it wasn’t personal, felt a little betrayed.

A little girl tells her best friend a secret, and that friend tells another friend, who tells someone else, until the original secret comes back to the girl.  She feels embarrassed, hurt and betrayed. What would have happened if her best brined had kept her secret instead?  We all know the answer to that, because we’ve all been there:  that little girl would have felt valued.

Loosing trust with a friend is a lot more painful than losing trust with a coffee shop, but it’s the same process:  We expect a certain kind of behavior from them that is consistent with what they mean to us. We become vulnerable in our expectation, and form a bond of trust with the other as a result. That bond is broken if we feel betrayed. The trust might be broken in a big way – like a friend breaking a secret – but most often it happens in little ways.

John Gottman in his research found that trust is built in the smallest of moments. He called these moments Sliding Door moments, after a movie of that name, where the life of the main character was significantly altered based on a decision taken in a single moment.

He discovered that each of these small moments are one of two things: either a moment of trust, or a moment of betrayal. That friend has a moment to decide: will she keep a secret or tell others?  A single moment with one of 2 opposite results.

This not only applies to ourselves with others, it also applies to self-trust and self-betrayal.  In fact, every act of trust-building and betrayal we do with others, we also do with ourselves. That time you knew in your gut that something was wrong, but chose to ignore it in favor of the business connection to someone you don’t really like that might benefit you later on; or pretending not to see a friend when you see him across the street.  We betray ourselves when we don’t listen to what our gut is telling us, and then we betray our business contact through insincerity. We betray our principles when ignoring a friend, and betray our friend by lying to him through pretense.  One small moment; two big results.

So, the first step in building trust with others is to build trust with ourselves. Once we trust ourselves, the rest will simply happen.  And the way we build self-trust is in the small moments of the every day. It’s something we can train ourselves to do. Here are three things you can do right now:

  • Notice when you ignore what you know is true or real in favor of some overwhelming desire. That glazed donut you see after being hung up on by a customer service rep, for instance, when you know the sugar rush will do nothing good for your body. Even if you succumb to the lure of the donut, simply register in your awareness what just happened.
  • Take a few unscheduled moments every day to check in. Set the alarm on your phone to ring at random times, and when it rings, take a few deep breaths, and check in to see if you’re doing something that makes you feel good about yourself, or not. Think of it as a “retraining” of your whole body to learn to recognize, catch and turn around something that you would otherwise remain unaware of.
  • When you catch yourself ignoring something – it will happen – be gentle. Building self-trust takes time; it’s something that we can form as a habit, and habits always take time to build. Harsh self-criticism doesn’t help to build self-trust.  Just the opposite – it undermines your efforts.  Learn to accept that you slipped this time, see if you can catch how it happened, and then move on.

Now I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences, knowledge, opinions.  In the comments below, share one thing that you experienced as a mirror moment that changed your day, or even your life.

This newsletter is in three parts: the first part is my contribution; the second is a video I’ve found that relates to the topic in part 1; the third is a quote. I hope you enjoy the richness this brings to the topic of the week with all three parts.

Brene Brown – The Anatomy of Trust

Quote of the Week

I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.
― Maya Angelou

Announcements

At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

 

PTSD & Quality of Life

One of the most talked about, yet under treated, medical mental illness issues is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is defined as one’s emotions and behavior, especially stress reactions, following a trauma. The good news is these behaviors and feelings can get better with time and therapy. When I speak to my corporate groups and individual clients, they often don’t realize PTSD impacts not only how someone functions in life, but how they react to certain situations at work.

First, let me describe some symptoms of PTSD:

  • You may have nightmares.
  • You may feel like you are going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
  • You may avoid crowds, because they feel dangerous.
  • You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.
  • You may forget about parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
  • You may think the world is completely dangerous, and no one can be trusted.
  • You may have trouble concentrating.
  • You may be startled by a loud noise or surprise.
  • You might want to have your back to a wall in a restaurant or waiting room.

There are other prominent symptoms, too. And you don’t have to have lived through a war to have PTSD. Things like trauma in early childhood, specifically with sexual or physical abuse, can cause these symptoms.

So, how do yo deal with work and your impact on your environment at work when you are dealing with PTSD?

First, understand the symptoms at work;

  • Feelings of fear or anxiety
  • Physical problems
  • Poor interactions with coworkers
  • Unreasonable reactions to situations that trigger memories
  • Absenteeism
  • Interruptions if you are still in an abusive relationship, harassing phone calls, etc.
  • Trouble staying awake at your desk
  • Panic attacks

PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event. But for some people, they may not happen until months or years after the trauma. And symptoms may come and go over many years, which is why understanding if any of the above symptoms last longer than a four week period, help is needed.

Having proper coping mechanisms, or working with a professional who can help you develop these and strategies, is important. Monitoring your emotional responses to situations will always help you increase your awareness of things that may trigger your PTSD symptoms. You can either navigate a way to avoid these triggers in the workplace or prepare yourself for them in meetings, etc.

Understand you will not be able to control everything and there are going to be times you will need to give yourself a time-out. Yes, the inevitable may happen and there will be times at work when your symptoms are triggered and you start to feel out of control. This stress not only impacts your quality of life and ability to produce quality work, but the stress you feel can impact your coworkers. To be ready for such a situation, plan what you’ll say if you need to excuse yourself from your co-workers or from a client. This isn’t avoidance,  but the opportunity to be alone while you put your coping strategies to work. It is always OK to take a bathroom  break to collect your thoughts and implement your coping strategy.

When I speak to my professional groups and one-on-one clients, I help them develop coping skills. While I like to personalize these skills and strategies to each person, below are a few tips to help get you started.

  • Put music on to help relax the brain and the muscles. If you can’t do this, take a bathroom break and use your phone’s headphones.
  • Work on deep breathing techniques. There are plenty of YouTube videos dedicated to this subject.
  • Smells work wonders. If you can, spray your space with a pleasant smell or carry a heavily scented lotion that will work.
  • Drink a glass of water slowly, this makes you focus on the water- which also adds oxygen to your system.
  • Explain that you need a personal moment and step away for ten minutes to go outside for a walk or to sit on a nearby bench for some positive self-talk.

These are just the starting points to coping with PTSD at work.  I highly recommend seeing a professional to help develop specific coping strategies and provide you with legal resources for working and living better.

Maryanne Nicholls of The Joy of Living

 

Investing In Child Mental Health

The sheer amount of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a minimal effect on adolescents, according to the first large-scale longitudinal study of parent time to be published in April in the Journal of Marriage and Family. The finding includes children’s academic achievement, behavior and emotional well-being. I, frankly, disagree and fault the study!

There are many other studies that prove spending time greatly impacts how children develop when it comes to emotional health and mental health. Ignoring a child, not bonding with a child, and simply not putting positive amounts of time into spending with a child does harm the child later on in life. This brings about trust issues, ability to work with other adults, the ability (or lack of) to form relationships with other people, and basic empathy are all hindered in adults who don’t have an investment of time from their parents.

Amy Hsin, a sociologist at Queens College, has found that parents who spend the bulk of their time with children under 6 watching TV or doing nothing can actually have a “detrimental” effect on them. And the American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes that children also need unstructured time to themselves without the engagement of parents for social and cognitive development.

As I continue to research and work on this topic, I am amazed at the amount of media “frill” articles that encourage not bonding with one’s child. One article even bragged that it has “10 Ways to Capture Alone Time” when raising a child. While healthy breaks are important, being there for your child sets up trust, security and healthy ways to interact with authority figures. So, what happens when there is no time investment? It can’t be that these children are turning into healthy, stable adults with no disbandment issues.

Children from birth to adulthood need time and attention and physical hugs and cuddles that are healthy from their parents. Sometimes parents become so anxious to raise a “successful” child that they overlook the importance of spending time interacting personally with their child or children, or -worse, they throw money and toys at them- not love. Interactive time is that spent with both child and parent fully engaged in an activity together.

With all the mixed information floating on the Internet, know that spending time is simply important. An investment of time in your child, from a young age, helps the  child feels important and loved. This investment also allows him or her an opportunity to model parent’s behavior. I also believe investing time can help the parent observe and learn about the child’s strengths and weaknesses in order to better guide them as they grown. Plus, the child has a chance to voice their thoughts and feelings and the parent and child develop a stronger bond.

All this said, isn’t it better to invest your time as a parent into your child then risk the adverse impact of doing the opposite later on in life? If you want to watch a great documentary on the investment in time and the human spirit when it comes to children, click here for the trailer to The Drop Box. https://vimeo.com/41412962