Tag Archive: fear

Releasing the Handcuffs of Attachment

attachments

 

The father who insists his son take over the family business.  The mother who over-mothers. The boss who micro-manages.  If they don’t drive their intended victims crazy, they definitely drive all their onlookers nuts.

But, in case you think that’s somene else, recall the last time you wanted something to work out so badly – and were afraid it wouldn’t – that you found yourself “nudging” people, places and things to get to your desired effect.  If you managed to stop and take a look around you, you might’ve noticed a lot of annoyed onlookers. You know, those guys you just handcuffed to your idea of what the future should look like.

Nobody likes to be manipulated or “lead”, including us.  But worry and desire can turn us into this kind of person.

The antidote to being attached is self-awareness. Plain and simple. Becoming aware of our impact and value in any situation can bring us back to our senses and into balance and harmony with ourselves and our fellows.

I know that, for me, the times I find myself manipulating a situatin for a desired end is when I’m afraid I’ll loose something precious to me. That someone more powerful than me will somehow destroy that possibility.  When I bring this feeling in front of me and examine it, it seems pretty foolish. After all, as an adult, the only way someone else could really do that was if I had no other alternatives.  But that isn’t likely. It’s really only my fear, my insecurity and lack of awareness that lets me think so.

If you like this blog, you’ll love my newsletters “You are Enough Just as You Are” for a sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

On Anxiety

Stayed up way too late last night…reading a fantasy novel.  That way, didn’t have to think about the things on my “must do” list – way too many things.  Woke only a little late…that’s good.  Having a quiet coffee and letting the day unfold in peace, if only for a short while.  Now what… I can feel my heart begin to race.  HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS?!?!  Two people here in less than an hour, an offsite meeting after that, then pack up my car with stuff for a friend, then research on a new project, then clients …. and I haven’t even got to quality time with loved ones yet!!!!!!

The first thing that has to go is the list…just let it go.  Lists always mean, for me, that I’m too wound up already.  Deep breateh in, ,…..then out.  Ahhhhhhhh.  Priorities.  What is priority today?  My friends, quality time, my clients.  Forget about the rest, for now.

See how it goes.  And to begin, a short quiet walk to remind myself how lucky I am for my health, my loved ones, my opportunities, and this gorgeous day….

Martha Beck – Calm all fear

Quote of the Week
Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
― Corrie ten Boom

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

The Perfect Balance between Pause and Perform

These days I hear and read and participate in pausing.  I learnt it in Yoga, then in Mindfulness meditation. Pausing helps me take a breath before I leap into anything. It helps me gather my resources. To gain clarity. To do whatever I do with care.

Performance is the other side. Without performance, whatever I plan on leaping into, gathering my resources for, gaining clarity of mind over, or taking care in considering, will only ever remain in the world of possibility – unless I act. Perform.

I don’t mean perform in the sense of play-acting, but in the sense of actualizing – bringing into the moment whatever it is I want to do.

Shamanism sees these two states of being as the feminine and masculine – the receptive and active.  They are said to be the two aspects of Spirit – pure possibility and the spark of creation.  Both are essential to life and growth – and to good living.
Sometimes I use them in alignment with Nature, and sometimes I use them to avoid.  For instance, when I suddenly want to clean out the closets instead of taking the time to think through a looming problem. Or when I circle around a problem for ever, deeply analyzing every possibility, never actually taking action. In both cases, I avoid dealing with what I need to deal with, and at the same time, lull myself out of acknowledging that for some reason, it scares me.

If I were, instead, to use my sudden enthusiasm for house-cleaning, or my compelling need to over-analyze as signs of avoidance – which they are – then I could turn what was once a barrier to life and joy into a tool.

So, what’s the perfect balance between pause and perform? One that provides solid grounding and the energy to act as needed. We’re in perfect balance on those days or in those moments when everything seems to flow. When there’s no resistance. Where we are open to whatever changes are needed and are able to make them. Effortlessly.

We’ve all had those moments.

Included is a video related to this topic from another perspective, and a quote that I hope you’ll enjoy.

Staying Grounded – Justin Timberlake – Separate Who You Are from What You Do

Quote of the Week
Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. ― Rumi

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

What could you do if you weren’t afraid?

If you weren’t afraid of facing a possible hostile audience, of missing out, of falling on your face … if you weren’t afraid of failing at something big for you, what would that change for you – or even open up for you? Marie Forleo brought this up on her weekly blog, challenging her audience to look at what they are specifically afraid of and what they could do if that fear didn’t exist.

Fear can be our greatest ally. Fear is painful – I mean actually painful.  Not like touching a hot stove, but almost like that! It can paralyze us.  And the more afraid we are, the worse it is.  Pain tells us that we need to change something we’re doing. Without feeling pain, we’d simply keep doing what we were doing.  Diabetics know this – after a time they lose the ability to feel pain in their extremities, and can get a serious infection, oblivious to it until it’s too late to save that toe or other body part.

Fear is like pain that way – it alerts us to something we’re doing that’s not good for us, and that we need to do something about.  It might be something we need to fear, but most often it’s something we’re afraid of for emotional reasons – like being afraid to fail.  This kind of fear tells us something like: I might fail at this and all will be lost!
If this happens to you, try this next time:

  • Imagine that your worst fear comes true, and you really do fail.  Then ask yourself if it really is the end of everything, or if it’s simply a setback.  Notice how you feel when you imagine this.  For me, I have this weight falling from my heart into my stomach; I can’t talk; I feel small and hopeless.
  • Now, imagine that you do it anyway, knowing that you have a lot of people rooting for you, knowing that you have what you need to do well.  Really imagine that, and feel it fully.  For me, I feel expansive, warm, excited and interested, wanting to get going – enjoying the moment and the connection.
  • In reality, what will happen will happen! But it’s more likely to be a positive experience – even if you fail – gong into it feeling expansive and excited than small and hopeless.

The truth is that nothing worth achieving is easy, and that it will always include failing a lot first. The best thing we can do when we fail (and we will fail) is being open enough to see what might have gone wrong, make adjustments, and try again. Every time we fail in this way, we are that much closer to succeeding.

Now I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences, knowledge, opinions.  In the comments below, share one thing that you experienced as a mirror moment that changed your day, or even your life.

This newsletter is in three parts: the first part is my contribution; the second is a video I’ve found that relates to the topic in part 1; the third is a quote. I hope you enjoy the richness this brings to the topic of the week with all three parts.

If you weren’t afraid …

Quote of the Week
There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.
― John Lennon

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us. I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

Letting go, pillar of mindfulness

letting go

Letting go takes practice.  It’s easy to let go of a thought or desire if it isn’t that strong or important.  Not so easy when it is.

The cause you’ve worked for all your life.  The son or daughter who wants to move to another continent. The issue at work that you fear might end your career.  These are the kinds of things that keep us awake, and that can take up every free moment in our day.

And yet, it’s by hanging onto them that we have the best chance of losing them – the child or lover who can no longer handle our neediness of them; the cause that needs a new and fresh approach that you can’t bring yourself to embrace.  The issue at work that makes you so stressed you can’t think straight and find yourself making big and bigger mistakes as a result.

Deep down, being unable to let go is about fearing to loose what is important to us.  The problem is that fear changes us, so that what began as something beautiful turns by that refusal to let go into something toxic.

Let go. Spread the love.

I first read of the 7 pillars of mindfulness in Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book on mindfulness Full Catastrophe Living. These pillars are Buddhist principles that help us be present and mindful in our everyday living. The 7 meditations I offer to anyone who signs up on my website www.thejoyofliving.co are based on these, and I use them in my own meditation practice.

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Defeating Fear

defeating fear

I watched a moving documentary last week – Daughter of the Lake – on Netflix. It’s about the struggles of indigenous people in a region in Peru who are being harassed to leave their land for strip-mining.  The narrator is a young woman of that region who is studying Law.

Our narrator begins and ends with water – how life-giving it is – and how necessary it is in daily living, even for it’s natural beauty. She travels with us to regions where strip mining has denuded the land of everything, having diverted waterways for the sake of mining, and forcing those remaining on the land to relocate.

She is understandably worried about her people’s future, and her own future. Hence this documentary.  The workers – or paid disruptors – travel to within eyesight of the homesteads, and stand there, armed with guns, threatening people with their presence. The local police disrupt peaceful demonstrations and appear to be on the side of the miners. While it’s true that there are always two sides to any disagreement, my focus here is how the narrator and her friends and family deal with their fears.

The answer? Clearly holding in her heart the meaning of the land to herself, her family and her ancestors – both for their well-being and for the Earth’s, acknowledging her fears, and taking things one step at a time. She asks for guidance from the local priest, and his response is both eloquent and powerful: “They use fear to attack your weakest side. You are not your weakest side. The people you love most are your weakness. Fear gives us a fragile dimension. It warns us, just like [this] river: when it’s very full, it’s a bit scary. It could carry you away. So a key to beating fear, is you stop thinking only about the present moment, and focus on what would happen if you stopped doing what was right. If you stopped defending what was important to you. Wouldn’t that be worse?”

We all have fear. Fear lets us know that something is important to us and we don’t want to lose it.  It can stop us if we let it; it can also serve as a strong motivator in our lives – getting us up and moving.

As one wise man said: It isn’t what happens to us that defines us, but how we deal with it.  We defeat fear and incidentally grow spiritually every time we keep going in spite of it, every time we put one foot in front of the other, keeping a clear view of what matters.

Final word: you may think that all of this effort on the part of the indigenous people against big business and big government was probably futile.  Well in this case it wasn’t.  Both government and big business eventually backed off.

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .