Tag Archive: energy

When I shame you, I shame everyone

Hi! I’m sharing this blog I wrote with you because I believe shame is such an important topic. And in case you’re wondering, it’s difficult for me to talk about because I feel shame for having to talk about it.  But by doing so, I’m hoping that others will also begin to talk.

I was at an event a few weeks back. I’d been learning something new, and during the feedback period, the teacher shamed me publicly for failing to “get” something she had reminded me of previously. Her words were to the effect: “I’ve told you about this before and you did it again”.

I did what I always do when I get criticized in this way: I put on a brave face, swallow my pride, and take in what she is saying.  I also stuff down any feelings I might have of not being seen, and of being treated like a 12-year-old. It’s an old story for me – a seeming lack of justice. And I could have easily fallen into that particular self-pity hole.

There are 2 important things I learned from this experience:

Even while feeling the warmth of shame, I noticed that I wasn’t alone in feeling this. Everyone else in the room was feeling it too. The sudden silence and lowering of eyes indicated to me that we were all feeling the impact as shame.

That’s the first point: when I shame you in public, I shame everyone else in the room.
The person who shamed me is nice, good, smart, and caring. She’s someone I like and admire. Her intention wasn’t to shame me, but to give me honest feedback. Her mistake was in the way she delivered it.

I’ve done the same to others. And that’s the second point: I’ve unintentionally shamed another person in front of others, with the same effect – the room goes quiet, eyes turned down.

There are other better ways of delivering a critique. Asking what was going on for the person, providing feedback on how that impacted other participants, followed by a query on what that person believes they can do next time.

Public shaming is rarely justified. It’s painful and leaves people feeling under-empowered.  Far better to learn how to deliver criticism in a way that leaves the other person – and everyone else in the room – energized.

Listening to Shame

 Quote of the Week

We see ourselves as nonconformist, but I think all of this is creating a more conformist, conservative age.
― Jon Ronson, So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

When I shame you, I shame everyone

I was at an event a few weeks back. I’d been learning something new, and during the feedback period, the teacher shamed me publicly for failing to “get” something she had reminded me of previously. Her words were to the effect: “I’ve told you about this before and you did it again”.

I did what I always do when I get criticized in this way: I put on a brave face, swallow my pride, and take in what she is saying.  I also stuff down any feelings I might have of not being seen, and of being treated like a 12-year-old. It’s an old story for me – a seeming lack of justice. And I could have easily fallen into that particular self-pity hole.

There are 2 important things I learned from this experience:

Even while feeling the warmth of shame, I noticed that I wasn’t alone in feeling this. Everyone else in the room was feeling it too. The sudden silence and lowering of eyes indicated to me that we were all feeling the impact as shame.

That’s the first point: when I shame you in public, I shame everyone else in the room.

The person who shamed me is nice, good, smart, and caring. She’s someone I like and admire. Her intention wasn’t to shame me, but to give me honest feedback. Her mistake was in the way she delivered it.

The second point is that I’ve done the same to others.  I’ve unintentionally shamed another person in front of others, with the same effect – the room goes quiet, eyes turned down.

There are other better ways of delivering a critique. Asking what was going on for the person, providing feedback on how that impacted other participants, followed by a query on what that person believes they can do next time.

Public shaming is rarely justified. It’s painful and leaves people feeling under-empowered.  Far better to learn how to deliver criticism in a way that leaves the other person – and everyone else in the room – energized.

 

Announcements

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up  for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

How to gain energy, and not lose it, doing what you love

Collaboration

 

Which situation would you rather be in?

  • Working on something you love, or that’s important; getting the support you need. No judgment, put-downs, control issues, hidden agendas. No isolation. Instead, being around others who really like you, and who you really like. Who appreciate what you do and how you do it. Who are willing to try things out and see what happens. Or,
  • Working on something you love, or that’s important; not getting any meaningful or positive support. Surrounded by implied threats, judgments, expectations, criticism. Where nothing you do is up to scratch – or barely up to scratch – or judged that way, even if you know it really is.

I’ve been in both, and no matter how great the work is, I no longer have the energy or patience to stick with the second. That kind of negativity is toxic and eventually drains me of all energy and ambition.

These days, I look for opportunities to collaborate with others who I like to be around. Who I feel good around. And who appreciate what I do.

I’ve learned this the hard way. Perhaps you have too.

What happened to me was I eventually burnt out. What I did about it is what my online workshop on Burning the Candle at Both Ends is all about. It’s starting this October. Click here if you’re interested in learning about it.

 

On Pace and Power

power

 

I’m a go-getter and that worries my friends, because it seems that I never stop.  When they’ve been with me for a day, they often – with good intent – suggest I slow down.

Sometimes, they’re right on. When I’m worried that I’ll miss a deadline (usually self-imposed), or obsessed about getting something right (driven by fear of failure or rejection).

Sometimes, they’re mistaken. When I’m creating or doing something I love, for instance.

Sometimes it’s both – when I’m venturing into new territory. At those times, I’m both energized and terrified – mostly terrified of how my life will change if I succeed.

Does this sound familiar?

Marianne Williamson once said: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

That’s true for me. What I’ve learned is to pace myself.

When I pace myself, I can …

  • catch moments of terror and take the time I need to deal with them before moving forward;
  • discover how I really feel about what I’m doing, and make change that make better use of my time and energy;
  • learn as I go with awareness and presence.

When I pace myself, I feel powerful, and feel like I’m gaining more and more energy as I go.

When I pace myself, I am the author of my own life.

 

If you like this blog, you’ll love my newsletters “You are Enough Just as You Are” for a sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Roots, Wings and Energy

This week, I got almost nothing done that was on my priority list. That’s unusual for me: it wasn’t because I slacked off, or because I was incapacitated, or because I had friends over, or any reason like that. I was busy and productive all week. So what happened?

What happened was that I discovered that what I thought I needed to do isn’t what I actually needed to do. So this week, I spent my time planning and dreaming. Looking inside myself, challenging everything I’d thought and assumed once again.

I took a good look at what I’ve done so far that I like, and where it is I want to end up, and on what inspires me to get there every day.

Phillip Zimbardo, from his research, has discovered that those of us who consistently make the best use of our time are the ones who use positive past experiences to root them in the present, future visions and dreams to give us wings, and present desires to energize us.

As a result, this week I’ve been assessing and dreaming – using vision boards and quiet meditation; reviewing what I’ve done so far – what worked, what didn’t, and what I might alter. I might have to do this next week as well.

Then I’ll have a new to do list and a new direction. With Roots, Wings, and Energy.

The Psychology of Time – Phillip Zimbardo

energy

Quote of the Week
You can’t save up time. You can’t refuse to spend it. You can’t set it aside.
Either you’re spending your time.
Or your time is spending you.
-Seth Godin

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Mindfulness and Mindlessness

I meditate every morning – for at least half an hour. Sometimes, I end up gaining energy and a kind of delightful groundedness from it that can carry me through the rest of the day. Sometimes, I feel it’s little more than sleeping sitting up, where the entire time can go by in a blink.

Ellen Langer would call the first instance one of mindfulness, and the second one of mindlessness.  Ms. Langer is a social psychologist at Harvard University, who has studied Mindfulness and what she calls Mindlessness since at least the 1970’s.  In a recent podcast, she spoke about what mindfulness really means for her.

She defines Mindfulness as the simple act of actively noticing things. For her, being mindful doesn’t necessarily involve meditating or yoga, or any particular recommended way of being. All of these things can be mindful, and they can also be unmindful, depending on how we are while we do them.

From her studies, experiments and research, she concludes that most of us are mindless most of the time, and that this mindlessness is at least a major contributor to illness and unhappiness in our lives.

In one study, for instance, which she terms Counter-Clockwise, she has a group of men in their 80’s live in a retreat for a week that has been retrofitted to around 20 years earlier. These men were to act as if this retrofit were in the present (i.e., as if they were 20 years younger).  What she discovered, by measuring their physical and emotional well-being after that week, was that they not only felt 20 years younger, but that their hearing, vision, memory and strength had all significantly improved.

Her work addresses the mind/body question in an intriguing way: most of us still separate the mind from the body – looking at how the mind influences the body and vice versa.  She doesn’t make this distinction. Instead, she sees mind and body as inseparable.

With this perspective, the Placebo can be seen as a powerful and valid drug instead of a mistake; one that unlocks our brain’s inner pharmacy, and gives us mastery over our own health. How empowering that is!

I could talk endlessly about the implications and applications stated and implied by Ms. Langer that come from her approach and perspective, but will offer up one that we can all use right away: re-invigorating our personal relationships.

Most, if not all, of us can find ourselves getting too used to our life partners.  The prevailing wisdom when that happens is to change things up; to freshen that relationship by making it new again.  And some people manage to do that with success.  Or, you can try this:

Every day for a week, make a point of actively noticing 5 things about your partner. For instance, you might notice today that he or she carefully folded their pajamas before leaving for work. What you notice doesn’t have to be profound; it simply needs to be something you actively engage in in the moment.

What happens?  A revitalized connection to your partner.

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .