Tag Archive: time

I’m disappointed in you … or maybe not

 

There was a misunderstanding. Over a word. I assumed it meant one thing; she assumed it meant another.  It wasn’t until the work we were doing together was much further along that we discovered this misunderstanding. Before she “got” the real issue, she said to me “I’m disappointed in you”, because she thought I hadn’t heard her, or hadn’t followed through somehow.

When I find myself saying this to another person, it almost always ends up being me I’m disappointed with. I ran through an explanation that needed more time than I gave it for a clear understanding; or I allowed my ideas and desires to take me out of reality, only to be brought up short when reality actualized.

Then, instead of feeling the pain of what my actions or approach caused, I turn to the other, externalizing my self-disappointment. Disowning it.

It doesn’t really work: I don’t feel better – even temporarily. In fact I feel worse, because if it’s someone else’s issue, I can’t do anything about it. I feel powerless.

The best thing to do when you feel that sense of disappointment in someone else? Use it as a helpful beacon and turn it on yourself, discovering what you were assuming, or missed. So that next time, disappointment isn’t there.

What I learned from 100 days of rejection

Quote of the Week 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
― H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You

Announcements 

Need more? At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co .

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up atwww.thejoyofliving.co.

I’m disappointed in you … or maybe not

 

There was a misunderstanding. Over a word. I assumed it meant one thing; she assumed it meant another.  It wasn’t until the work we were doing together was much further along that we discovered this misunderstanding. Before she “got” the real issue, she said to me “I’m disappointed in you”, because she thought I hadn’t heard her, or hadn’t followed through somehow.

When I find myself saying this to another person, it almost always ends up being me I’m disappointed with. I ran through an explanation that needed more time than I gave it for a clear understanding; or I allowed my ideas and desires to take me out of reality, only to be brought up short when reality actualized.

Then, instead of feeling the pain of what my actions or approach caused, I turn to the other, externalizing my self-disappointment. Disowning it.

It doesn’t really work: I don’t feel better – even temporarily. In fact I feel worse, because if it’s someone else’s issue, I can’t do anything about it. I feel powerless.

The best thing to do when you feel that sense of disappointment in someone else? Use it as a helpful beacon and turn it on yourself, discovering what you were assuming, or missed. So that next time, disappointment isn’t there.

Announcements 

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters for an sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up  for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Waking up

 

I want my business to be really successful. I want the relationship I have with my partner to be fulfilling and loving. I want my family and friends to be happy and feel fulfilled in their lives. I want good health for myself and my friends and family.

I want so much. I want it all! Don’t you?

My mother’s favorite command to me growing up was “Maryanne, come down to earth!” Until many years later, I honestly didn’t see the problem with never “coming down to earth”. It felt so good – dreaming, planning, seeing all the possibilities.

Until many years later, I didn’t really see that none of those dreams and plans and visions I held so dearly had a hope of becoming real unless … . Unless I woke up to reality – to the actual situation I happened to be in, to my own life circumstances, to my responsibilities. Until I seriously considered  all the variables – my hopes and desires – Yes! – and also my own limitations and the limitations of the situation.

When I finally woke up, I began to modify my plans to include what was doable for me at that time. I stopped jamming in as much as I thought I could do, instead focusing on one small chunk at a time, and developing from that more realistic timelines and goals.

When I finally woke up, I started to relax, to regain my health, and to enjoy the world around me.

What about you? Are you a dreamer like me?

Embracing our limitations

Quote of the Week

Beyond living and dreaming there is something more important: waking up.”
― Antonio Machado

Announcements 

Need more? At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co .

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up atwww.thejoyofliving.co.

Waking up

 

I want my business to be really successful. I want the relationship I have with my partner to be fulfilling and loving. I want my family and friends to be happy and feel fulfilled in their lives. I want good health for myself and my friends and family.

I want so much. I want it all! Don’t you?

My mother’s favorite command to me growing up was “Maryanne, come down to earth!” Until many years later, I honestly didn’t see the problem with never “coming down to earth”. It felt so good – dreaming, planning, seeing all the possibilities.

Until many years later, I didn’t really see that none of those dreams and plans and visions I held so dearly had a hope of becoming real unless … . Unless I woke up to reality – to the actual situation I happened to be in, to my own life circumstances, to my responsibilities. Until I seriously considered  all the variables – my hopes and desires – Yes! – and also my own limitations and the limitations of the situation.

When I finally woke up, I began to modify my plans to include what was doable for me at that time. I stopped jamming in as much as I thought I could do, instead focusing on one small chunk at a time, and developing from that more realistic timelines and goals.

When I finally woke up, I started to relax, to regain my health, and to enjoy the world around me.

What about you? Are you a dreamer like me?

Announcements 

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters for an sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up  for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Roots, Wings and Energy

This week, I got almost nothing done that was on my priority list. That’s unusual for me: it wasn’t because I slacked off, or because I was incapacitated, or because I had friends over, or any reason like that. I was busy and productive all week. So what happened?

What happened was that I discovered that what I thought I needed to do isn’t what I actually needed to do. So this week, I spent my time planning and dreaming. Looking inside myself, challenging everything I’d thought and assumed once again.

I took a good look at what I’ve done so far that I like, and where it is I want to end up, and on what inspires me to get there every day.

Phillip Zimbardo, from his research, has discovered that those of us who consistently make the best use of our time are the ones who use positive past experiences to root them in the present, future visions and dreams to give us wings, and present desires to energize us.

As a result, this week I’ve been assessing and dreaming – using vision boards and quiet meditation; reviewing what I’ve done so far – what worked, what didn’t, and what I might alter. I might have to do this next week as well.

Then I’ll have a new to do list and a new direction. With Roots, Wings, and Energy.

The Psychology of Time – Phillip Zimbardo

energy

Quote of the Week
You can’t save up time. You can’t refuse to spend it. You can’t set it aside.
Either you’re spending your time.
Or your time is spending you.
-Seth Godin

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

When time seems not on our side

“I don’t have time for this” is a refrain I heard often from my mother. Now I say it. I don’t have time for a lot of things, and it isn’t because I’m impatient.  It’s because I try to fit too much into a day – like my mother did.

Some people are fantastic at calculating how much time something will take, but never those who never have enough time.  Those are most of the people I know.  We tend to underestimate everything – to such a degree that what we thought we could accomplish is hopelessly out of wack.

Why is this? Partly it’s because we are overly optimistic about our own abilities and the smooth running of the world.  Partly because our hopes take over instead of our objectivity. Partly because we simply have unrealistic expectations about life, especially about ourselves. Most of us are very hard on ourselves – inside us is a little diabolic dictator who mercilessly berates us whenever we fall short of her or his demands.

That inner dictator is this way, possibly because she is fuelled by fear.  Mine is. She shows up when I’m afraid I won’t be able to do what I promised; or when I’m afraid I’ll suck during a presentation.  So many things – and whenever that fear sneaks in, so does my mini dictator.

Time isn’t on my side when I try to do too much – or so it seems.  But when I stop to consider this a little deeper, I have to admit that the pain I go through whenever I’m driven like this is a strong motivator to stop doing it.  If being driven gave me pleasure, I probably wouldn’t stop.

The truth is that I’m discovering that time is on my side: I always have the time I need to do things that are really important, as long as I pay attention to what’s really important.

Time, it turns out, is a choice – my choice.

Now I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences, knowledge, opinions.  In the comments below, share one thing that you experienced as a mirror moment that changed your day, or even your life.

This newsletter is in three parts: the first part is my contribution; the second is a video I’ve found that relates to the topic in part 1; the third is a quote. I hope you enjoy the richness this brings to the topic of the week with all three parts.

Laura Vanderkam – Time is a choice

Quote of the Week
Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’
― Lao Tzu

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us. I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co

No time? How to reclaim it

How often have you said to yourself “What happened to the time? Where did it go?  I still have so much left to do!”  If it’s often, then you’re a lot like me. Every time I go away for more than a few days, the amount of stuff I have to get done before I go grows exponentially: I have to get the work I’d normally do the week I’m away done before I go; that office clean-up I’ve been planning for 6 months suddenly looms large in my mind; what about that sweater I began and never finished 2 years ago?  These things, reasonable or not, suddenly become imperatives, even if some rational part of me knows better.

My partner knows better than to argue and offer rational argument; he simply finds other things to completely occupy himself with while I go crazy and wear myself out needlessly.

It really is a compulsion, and as with all compulsions, sitting and thinking about it in an attempt to discover what’s really going on isn’t going to get me anywhere.  What’s needed is to take 10 or so minutes, and discover what my body has to tell me.  That’s right – my body.  It’s in our bodies that we store feelings and value sensations, and this compulsion is, for me, connected to my values and, possibly fears.

How do I do this? I do a body-scan, then sit quietly and meditate on what comes up for me. That’s all.  A body scan is a mindfulness technique where we breath into our body and be with whatever physical sensations come up.  We begin at our toes, then move up our legs, into the pelvic area, then up the torso to the shoulders, then from the finger tips up the arms, finally breathing into the neck, the face – jaws, mouth, nose and eyes, forehead and ears, the top and back of the head. By doing this, we not only become familiar with what is going on physically for us, we also get to know how those sensations are connected to our values and beliefs.  And for most of us, this is an unfamiliar feeling.

Here’s a real-life example from my own life: I’ll take my compulsion to multiply tasks before I leave for more than a few days.

While thinking about the impossible list of tasks on hand and my sense of urgency over getting them done, I scan my body.  I’m looking for discomfort and numbness.  When I discover these, I take note and continue my scan. In this case, I might notice a tightening at my solar plexus, a hardening at the back of my head, and a clenching of my back shoulders.

Now, for each sensation, I ask what it’s doing and how it’s helping me. For instance, if I breathe into my solar plexus and the tightening there, asking it why it’s there and how it’s helping me, it might respond with something like “I’m holding things together”, and “I’m helping by enforcing calm”.  This helps me understand that what’s really happening is panic, only what I’m feeling is tightening – tightening me up so that I can keep doing all those things on my list.  I’ve fooled myself into believing everything is A-OK.

The hardening at the back of my head and the clenching of my shoulders are similarly, helping me dull down the panic, so that I can finish everything.

Knowing this is the first essential step to changing this approach into something healthier and less driven. It isn’t the answer, but it is a huge start.

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .