The Courage to Stand Alone: Navigating Group Pressure and Personal Boundaries
Recently I witnessed an emotional altercation that involved group-think, sometimes referred to as confluence. The issue was whether to award a particular person for an achievement, or to award a different person. The person the members of this group wanted to award was a friend of theirs; the other person was not a friend of theirs. When I say “they” or “theirs”, I am really referring to one or 2 members of that group – the other members were joining in because they wanted to support their group friend.
Anyone who disagreed with their choice was yelled at, put down, and otherwise aggressively treated verbally. Any argument based in logic and reason was discarded by them to the point that it was impossible to continue the discussion.
Confluence is the loss of distinction between self and other, and the accompanying loss of recognizing and maintaining your own personal boundaries. It often happens when someone wants and needs to be liked and will do what they feel they need to do for approval. In other words, if a friend gets emotionally wound up about an issue, then if it was important for me to feel a part of that friend’s group, I might find myself getting heavily influenced by my friend’s emotionality, even though it isn’t my issue.
Confluence is essential between mother and growing fetus; it happens when 2 people first fall in love. This is when being confluent feels and is wonderful. Otherwise, it’s destructive and damaging.
And yet, it happens all the time, especially in times of uncertainty – as in our own times. It happens to all of us at some point. If we’re courageous and honest with ourselves, we can see when we’ve been drawn into someone else’s pain and are heading towards confluence.
In the altercation above, it ended because one person in the group named it and stepped out. That’s all it took to turn an emotionally volatile and painful event into one of contact and healing. The group members who began it never admitted to any part of it, and that no longer mattered, because the confluence was no longer there. Healing could begin.
These days, the potential for confluence surrounds us. Very few of us are immune from its influence – I do not count myself as one who is immune. What I learned from the altercation I witnessed was that it is easy these days to get entangled in emotionality, even if it’s someone else’s, and that all it takes is one brave and honest person to turn it around.
Quote of the Week
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass. - either Bruce Lee or Warren Buffett
How to practice emotional first aid
Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .