Independence Misread: When Living for Yourself Looks Like Controlling Others
Self-reliance. Personal achievement. Many want that for themselves. I do!
It gives me a sense that I control my own life. Growing up, it was my father who controlled my life. Then the minister. Then society telling me what I could or couldn’t aspire to. I’ve had interfering partners, and overbearing friends and acquaintances. I remember feeling at 12 that my goal in life was to gain independence so that I could truly be in the driver’s seat of my own life.
There are many people around who also want that, and work to gain it in their own lives. We recognize one another from across the room and become friends and allies. I see people like me in my practice.
One thing that people like me get accused of over and over is wanting control over others. That isn’t at all true, but I can see why others might feel that way. Personal life control means being independent, and being independent means being self-reliant. Self-reliance means we are our own authority, and this can lead to others feeling we are authoritarian. Because we are in any way that impacts our living.
If someone judges us as authoritarian, they conclude we want to control their lives. And they act accordingly.
Quite the paradox: become self-reliant so that we don’t need to rely on others and therefore, we think, avoid others trying to control us; and because of that, we end up having others trying to control us!
How to fix this? Well, as with every paradox, it requires a shift in attitude and approach. The shift involves knowing and appreciating our impact on others, so that we can make room to negotiate our different needs.
Sometimes, we can resolve any differences. Sometimes we aren’t able to. It’s those times that can cause the most pain.
So here’s the part that’s critical to remember. While you and I only want to control our own lives, by doing so we can inadvertently step on other people’s toes. If you find yourself in that kind of situation, step back so that you are no longer part of the collective problem, and let go of whatever outcome the other party chooses for themselves.
It’s got nothing to do with you. I’m grateful for that knowing.
Quote of the week
“The more control you have over your life, the more responsible you feel for your own success or failure.
Arthur C. Brooks
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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .