Transforming Conflict: A Path to Understanding and Connection
Conflict-aversion is something many of us feel: we’d rather get along and feel safe and comfortable than get into an argument with another. That isn’t necessarily what conflict has to look or feel like, but that is how many of us think about it.
Conflict is scary and we’d rather avoid it. I read a blog this week that made the case for conflict, arguing that a lack of conflict really indicates there’s no real interest.
I can imagine times when that is probably true: when I or others have no stake in a decision that was made.
- Whether we have vanilla or butter pecan ice cream – not a big deal for me most of the time.
- Not so with pizza – definitely don’t want anything with meat because I’m a vegetarian – I’ll argue passionately on that one – if I’m hungry.
But, I can imagine times when that isn’t true, and only appears to be true because nothing is said:
- When everyone who disagrees is afraid to speak up – they might expect ridicule or shaming. I’ve seen that, haven’t you? Sometimes, I’ve been the silent one when I felt the energy of bullying in the space.
- When we disagree but want to impress someone, or when we want to support someone over another. I’ve seen that too – witness the preponderance of republicans for Harris: while many disagree with her policies, they have decided to support her because they don’t want Trump to win.
- The second example is also about feeling afraid, and feeling the need to protect ourselves or our community.
I notice an absence of conflict whenever people don’t feel free to express themselves . I feel that more often than when they lack interest in an outcome.
The thing is, conflict doesn’t have to be scary. Not if we learn to approach it with interest and excitement instead of fear. This new approach depends on feeling secure in who you are, that you feel you’re in a space where you can say what you need to say, and that you say it with kindness and empathy towards others you disagree with.
Then there’s the inner conflict that people like me wrestle with daily – the kind that leads to indecision and procrastination. That is a topic in and of itself, and one I cover in my program Burning The Candle At Both Ends In A Way That Works.
Can you reach a place where welcoming becomes more the norm than avoiding it? Probably not. It’s something to aspire to.
Quote of the week
In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.
Lao Tzu
A hostage negotiator on how to resolve conflict
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Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .