Tag Archive: judging

Hiding in plain sight

hiding

I’ve been anticipating that the response I get from a colleague to something I put out is one I won’t like, and when I do receive her response, I’m ready to load my anticipations onto my interpretation of it. As a result, I will react emotionally to what she does say. But just so there’s a possibility of dialogue after the reaction, I will do this in private, waiting until I’m cooled down enough to respond.

Another colleague reads about new requirements that he feels he “should have” caught earlier and didn’t, and he reacts by retreating until he, too, can respond in a more measured way.

It isn’t until I reach out for a one-on-one live conversation that I can put aside my expectations and projections (because that’s all I really have up till now) and gain a truly measured understanding. Similarly with my colleague, it isn’t until he has the conversation – live – that he can really appreciate the reality of the situation.

I know I react. I know I can explode. I know that when I explode, the result is rarely anything but destructive. So I hide behind propriety, keeping my opinions to myself until I can express them in a way that I believe will be more acceptable to those I’m expressing them to.

This seems to be the way of everyone in our society, and is leading to an ever-spreading reaction against “political correctness”.  Political correctness gives us the code for being agreeable, and for expressing our anger in a way that is deemed acceptable. But this modern security blanket we use is wearing thin, because just like any security system, it can – and is – used to launch grenades.

We hide in plain sight behind our words and our mask of maturity. We all do – well, most of us – because most of us are afraid of what would happen if we were spontaneous instead.

I grew up believing that I had freedom of speech, that I could say something controversial, or even wrong, and not be punished for it. But in these recent years, that’s changed. My society today isn’t the same comfortable and secure-feeling one of my youth. People – including me – don’t feel secure any longer, right or wrong. And that makes me careful about what I say and how I say it.

I believe that given today’s atmosphere, suggesting we be more spontaneous isn’t helpful or even possible. We need to feel safe to be free with our words and actions, and that simply isn’t true.

I believe that what we can do, and can nurture in others, is real connection. Of deferring judgment – as much as possible – until we can talk. Until we can see that person we have thoughts and judgments about as a human being who is doing their best, just as we are.

Morgana Bailey – on coming out

 

 

Quote of the Week

Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

Announcements

Need more? At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co .

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up atwww.thejoyofliving.co.

Hiding in plain sight

hiding

 

I’ve been anticipating that the response I get from a colleague to something I put out is one I won’t like, and when I do receive her response, I’m ready to load my anticipations onto my interpretation of it. As a result, I will react emotionally to what she does say. But just so there’s a possibility of dialogue after the reaction, I will do this in private, waiting until I’m cooled down enough to respond.

Another colleague reads about new requirements that he feels he “should have” caught earlier and didn’t, and he reacts by retreating until he, too, can respond in a more measured way.

It isn’t until I reach out for a one-on-one live conversation that I can put aside my expectations and projections (because that’s all I really have up till now) and gain a truly measured understanding. Similarly with my colleague, it isn’t until he has the conversation – live – that he can really appreciate the reality of the situation.

I know I react. I know I can explode. I know that when I explode, the result is rarely anything but destructive. So I hide behind propriety, keeping my opinions to myself until I can express them in a way that I believe will be more acceptable to those I’m expressing them to.

This seems to be the way of everyone in our society, and is leading to an ever-spreading reaction against “political correctness”.  Political correctness gives us the code for being agreeable, and for expressing our anger in a way that is deemed acceptable. But this modern security blanket we use is wearing thin, because just like any security system, it can – and is – used to launch grenades.

We hide in plain sight behind our words and our mask of maturity. We all do – well, most of us – because most of us are afraid of what would happen if we were spontaneous instead.

I grew up believing that I had freedom of speech, that I could say something controversial, or even wrong, and not be punished for it. But in these recent years, that’s changed. My society today isn’t the same comfortable and secure-feeling one of my youth. People – including me – don’t feel secure any longer, right or wrong. And that makes me careful about what I say and how I say it.

I believe that given today’s atmosphere, suggesting we be more spontaneous isn’t helpful or even possible. We need to feel safe to be free with our words and actions, and that simply isn’t true.

I believe that what we can do, and can nurture in others, is real connection. Of deferring judgment – as much as possible – until we can talk. Until we can see that person we have thoughts and judgments about as a human being who is doing their best, just as we are.

 

Announcements

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters  for a sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up  for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

 

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Judging versus accepting

judging

 

I was having coffee with a friend a few days ago. Next to us were a group of people complaining about someone they just heard. It seems they were at a conference together and this was an informal get-together to lament their wasted time. I found myself wondering how this experience could have been more fruitful for them – and myself when I do the same thing – if they had focused more on learnings and less on losses.

I’ve been on both sides of this experience – complaining about and being complained about.  On one memorable occasion, after I’d arrived to give a presentation about stress, I was just getting up to talk when I felt overwhelmingly ill. It was too late to cancel, so I went ahead and presented in a voice that was too quiet and in a manner that was too reserved.  The result was predictible: a loss of connection with the audience.

Then there’s the time when I sat fidgeting while a new presenter talked about the technical details of investing – a topic that could put me to sleep in under 5 minutes at the best of times.  At some point I stopped listening, and regained awareness only after the speaker had offered what might have been a rather brilliant suggestion for investors like me.  I missed it, because I wasn’t focused on looking for it.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Spending our valuable time not listening, not engaging, but instead complaining and whining. Judging others and ourselves. It isn’t educational: it doesn’t add to what we know and can use. It isn’t pleasant or energizing.  It depletes energy and makes us miserable. Who among us, after a session of self-flagilation, can then sit down and happily examine what happened and how we can do better next time?

Not me!  That’s when I head for the refrigerator and set about numbing out with carbs.

On the ther hand, have you really stopped to think about those times when you did learn something valuable? When you did hang around and stay with the presenter? At those times, you might have brought with you an attitude of self- and other-acceptance. Accepting that things aren’t always perfect. Accepting that there is always going to be some gem, even among the most messed-up experience.

Accepting that we are all in this life-experience together, and that more can be had from self- and other-regard than from judging and complaining.

 

If you like this blog, you’ll love my newsletters “You are Enough Just as You Are” for a sample. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here.  If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

The one thing you can do to release yourself from the bind of judgment

I listen to a friend talk about her pain – she said something less than kind to her sister. Her sister reacted and my friend is now going to spend the holidays alone.  She’s naturally distressed and is kicking herself – hard – for saying what she can’t now take back.

Knowing my friend, she’ll be fine, and at the right time will make amends to her sister.  It isn’t something that will linger for her. But until she does that, she might do what most of us do – judge herself harshly and wallow for a while in misery.

When I examine my own way with judgment, I can easily go that route. What I know now is that every time I do that to myself, I also do it to others.  It binds me to a very narrow way of viewing life. For instance, let’s say I sprain my ankle because I went out for a walk at night in shoes that weren’t good in snow.  While I’m lying in pain on the sidewalk, I might self-talk like this: “What an idiot thing to do! You knew better and really! In a way, I deserve this!”

Imagine what I’ll think when I hear of someone doing something similar.

On the other hand, I could have said to myself: “Well, that could have been foreseen! Better take care getting home and nurse my ankle.”

How might my judgment of the next person doing something similar have changed?

Be kind to yourself.  Not blindly self-indulgent, but compassionate towards yourself and others over the foibles you walk into.

Best wishes to you and yours over the holidays!

Now I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences, knowledge, opinions.  In the comments below, share one thing that you experienced as a mirror moment that changed your day, or even your life.

This newsletter is in three parts: the first part is my contribution; the second is a video I’ve found that relates to the topic in part 1; the third is a quote. I hope you enjoy the richness this brings to the topic of the week with all three parts.

Byron Katie on Judgment

Quote of the Week

Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?
― Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

 

Announcements
At times we need more  – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us. I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co