Archive: Newsletter

Grit – the key to Future success

Some fortunate people have loving and mature parents, go to great schools, and get initiated into the adult world with the support of amazing mentors.  Some – not all – of those lucky few make a terrific life for themselves and, hopefully, others.

The rest of us aren’t so fortunate. And yet, more of us end up succeeding in spite of the odds against us than anyone would expect.

But predictors of future success provide statistical odds only.  The real predictor is youYourcommitment to your own future, your self-regard, and your ability to see what’s real and possible.

Mostly though, it’s your conviction: your conviction that what you seek is possible for you to achieve, and worth staying with. In the end, it might not turn out the way you imagined, but it will happen.  That kind of stick-with-it-ness is sometimes called resilience, and sometimes called grit.

Angela Duckworth distinguishes resilience from grit (view the video below).  She’s discovered that a key predictor to future success is gritGrit is consistent effort, combined with passion, for a particular goal, that is strong enough to overcome obstacles or challenges that are in the way to the realization of that goal.

In other words, the goal has to be worthy to the person trying to achieve it. And the person trying to achieve it has to feel worthy of achieving that goal

A person with grit is in it for the long-term and knows that to achieve her goal involves a marathon, not a sprint.

So the bottom line is to hang in there, sometimes putting one foot in front of the other, and keep faith in yourself and your abilities.

The Power of Passion and Preservation

My online program begins Oct 8th, but you can still register until October 14th! It's a program for addressing stress and anxiety with plenty of support ...


Click here to register.

 

Quote of the Week

“...there are no shortcuts to excellence. Developing real expertise, figuring out really hard problems, it all takes time―longer than most people imagine....you've got to apply those skills and produce goods or services that are valuable to people....Grit is about working on something you care about so much that you're willing to stay loyal to it...it's doing what you love, but not just falling in love―staying in love.
― Angela Duckworth

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Crazy-Making

Imagine this: you’ve leant your best friend your cherished slow cooker; she knows how much you value it. Even so, it eventually comes back broken.  When confronted with the obvious, she either denies anything happened at her end, or swears it was already broken. If she’s really in a bad way, she might deny borrowing it altogether and that she happened to find it at her place.

Sadly, my mother was notorious for doing this. Happily, not my friends. Mom would go one step further: next time she asked to borrow something, and I said no because of what happened the time before, she would deny denying she’d done anything the first time.

It drove me crazy. Especially because I’d be like Charlie Brown with Lucy: I’d fall for it as any insane person would, believing in my heart that this time would be different.

Seth Godin calls this Kettle logic. He suggests that the person using it is really reacting emotionally instead of logically.

I can’t be sure of that, but I do know that it’s useless to try and reason with them.  Instead, what I really need to do is understand why I keep falling for it and do something about that!

You see, it is emotional on my side. And once I can come to terms with what’s going on with me, then I can deal with what’s going on with my friend.

With my Mom, I wanted her to be accountable in a way she couldn’t be. It wasn’t until I understood who she was that I was able to stop putting us both into that particular dance. You see, it wasn’t just her. It was both of us, playing out a familiar song that had, long ago, run its course.

Declaring someone else insane

It’s not your mind that’s letting you down. It’s your spirit …

Are you starting to feel you’re loosing it, that you’re alone in this. And the deeper you dig and the harder you try to get things right, it only makes things worse. Well, you aren’t alone. At least a third of us are with you.

You know you need to do something differently, and you’re on it. But the real problem isn’t what you do and don’t know – you’re pretty good at working through things intellectually.
It isn’t your brain that’s letting you down. It’s your spirit.

In my program Burning the Candle at Both Endswe go on a spiritual journey together, looking at what’s really at the heart of perfectionism and stress in your life, and discovering ways that truly help to turn it around for you.

Registration is now open for October. Register now!

 

Quote of the Week

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ― Albert Einstein

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

It’s so easy to keep us quiet

It’s so easy to keep us quiet – all we have to do is want something badly and believe that we aren’t worthy of it, somehow.

If you hurt someone and can’t forgive yourself. Or were sure of yourself until you made a big mistake. Or are afraid of letting your parents down by failing in some way.

This deep-down feeling of unworthiness might show up as perfectionism, or it might show up as hiding, or of being cowed down. I’ve felt it: I let a bully dictate terms to me for almost 9 years, after making a big mistake and having to start over.  I’d been so sure of myself before that, then had the bad luck of letting someone who didn’t respect me dictate terms. It cowed me.

Then, when I came to appreciate what happened, it took a while to come to terms with the loss – of years, and joy, and even health.

You might be a perfectionist, or in hiding, or even cowed.  It isn’t because you made a mistake – mistakes are part of learning. It’s because you learned to feel unworthy, deep-down. And that has to go.

It any of what I’ve written speaks to you, if it’s even a little familiar, then you might be feeling embarrassed and ashamed. That’s what kept me quiet. But it’s false. Here’s what you can do to shake off that false feeling – the feeling that’s been holding you hostage:

  • It’s a lie. It’s a lie that you’re unworthy, and anyone helping you feel that way is the one who is truly unworthy. Acknowledge the truth instead of the lie – that you are worthy and always have been.

 

  • Feel the rage. In shamanism I was taught that rage is the teacher of truth. Once you recognize the lie, and the truth, you will feel rage. And along with that rage, you will begin to reclaim your truth.

 

  • Question and confront. Question anyone who suggests, implies, or even acts like you are unworthy; anyone who demands something of you that isn’t actually worthy of you. Begin to know and appreciate your own worth, and from a stable and grounded place inside you, confront and challenge.  This might look something like: “Please don’t speak to me that way; find some other way to say what you mean”. Or: “This is the best I can do right now”, without apology.

 

  • Be ready to leave a situation or person that won’t acknowledge you as an equal. This can seem hard. But once you claim your own worthiness, it’ll be a lot easier than you think.

 

Shame loves perfectionists

Perfection and stress??

If you’re driven y perfection, then you’re likely also stressed a lot of your life. This kind of stress will lead to burnout. My online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS  can help you begin to change that.

 
Registration is now open for October. Register Now!

Quote of the Week

“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

― Brené Brown - how do I do this again to tag the blue dot people?

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Tapping The Power Within – how to turn frustration into delight

I’m travelling across the US, and right now I’m between Albequerque, New Mexico and Amarillo, Texas, in a tiny motel with no amenities.  The only internet access is at the Dairy Queen beside it, and it’s too slow to be very useful. I’m trying for the second time to have a successful online meeting, but because of the lack of services, am not successful.

This wasn’t the plan. The plan was to go from motel to motel as I traveled from West to East, checking first to see if they had internet access, and do the work I needed to do every evening. Up to this point, that’s what happened. Today it isn’t.  I’m from a big city where all the access I need is at my fingertips almost everywhere. I’m not used to this!

Finding myself whining and growing frustrated – and not liking where this was going – I take a moment. When I get frustrated, everything bothers me: not enough ice in my iced tea, no decent vegetarian options in the middle of nowhere in prime cattle country (surprise?), no hot water, no lighting exactly where I want it … I can go on.

I do this for a while, until I get a reflection from the table beside me. At that table, there’s another whiner. And that wakes me up.

That’s when I decide to switch attitude – to tap that power inside me that’s always there.  Reminding myself that I chose to drive across country. I chose to risk not finding anything vegetarian in a meat-eating rural space. I knew that access would be limited. I knew there would be inconveniences.  So how can I make this time work for me and not against me?

You know, it hasn’t been all bad.  Thank the powers-that-be for Starbucks!  None here, but there were Starbucks along the way and I was able to get some work done as a result, and have a good coffee or 2.

The iced tea might not have been cold enough, but it was surprisingly good. No TV? How about a walk in the cool desert evening – something I wouldn’t have had time for otherwise.

As I begin to re-focus, my frustration fades and is replaced by calm delight.

Pemma – On Discontent

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.” - Kurt Vonnegut

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

On Being a Kickass Woman

Below is a video about a group of indigenous women who decided to don climbing equipment, wearing their traditional clothes, and climb the Andes. Their children, their husbands, their friends all thought they were crazy. That they needed protecting. That their safety needed to come before excitement or challenge.

These women did it anyway. Their way. And they’re pretty good at it.

That’s what it takes to be a kickass woman. Following your own way. No matter what!

Mountain Climbers

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

“Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.” - Golda Meir

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

The freedom of not anticipating

I was preparing for a talk on a difficult subject, and because I was nervous, began coming up with a bunch of worst-case what-ifs; so much so that I began to believe those were the only alternatives.

You can guess how that talk went: I was defensive, and worried – anticipating the worst. A great example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve also experienced the other side of that same coin: preparing for a talk, assuming that my audience will know all the basics and I sail right into details.  Nope. They knew nothing!
That switcheroo was easier, but honestly, my delivery took a while to ramp up.

Anticipation – leads to distress, pain, disappointment, worry and rumination. Not to mention distraction. Keeping myself open to working with whatever happens, on the other hand, leaves me free to connect with my audience in a genuine way.

Dan Gilbert – You are always changing

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Been gaslighted lately?

If you don’t think so, think again. They only way you couldn’t have is if you never read the papers or listen to the news.

Gaslighting happens when someone deliberately manipulates a situation in order to make another person question themselves. That person may or may not realize what they’re doing. The impact of their action is the same regardless.  I’m witnessing it happening on the political arena increasingly, and so it’s become something we all need to understand and combat successfully.

The first thing to know is that gaslighting only works with your collaboration. That is, if you refuse to go along with it, it loses all it’s power.

My mother was a successful gaslighter. I don’t think she ever knew it. But I ended up with years of having to work through it, undo the damage it caused, and learn how to trust myself again. I used to tell people that her reality was in a perpetual altered state, which helped me retain some stability through it all. (She’s now passed, and I’m happy to say we had many good years together.)

How does a gaslighter do it (from Psychology Today)?

  • By telling a deliberate lie that you know is a lie, in order to set a tone of never knowing if what they say is true or not. This effectively keeps you, in this situation, off-balance.
  • By denying they said something you know they did say, with the effect that you begin to question yourself instead of them.  This becomes more and more the case the more it happens.
  • By using what is important to you against you, attacking the foundation of your being. For instance, the person might question your technical abilities when they know that’s meaningful to you; or your value as a mother if that’s how you’ve defined yourself.
  • By not walking their talk – saying one thing and doing another.  The key is to attend to what they do, not to what they say.
  • By occasionally praising you, so that even if you had managed to figure them out, you find yourself questioning that.
  • By aligning others against you. This may be done through gossip and deliberate misrepresentation, or simply by getting you to believe that there are others who already knew something they maintain about you.
  • By projecting what is really going on inside them that they don’t like onto you.
  • By telling others that you’re the crazy one, not them.

If you find yourself faced with this kind of situation, here’s what you can do:

  • Become aware. First, gain an understanding of what’s going on. The only way gaslighting can work is if you let it.  By understanding the dynamics, you gain clarity, which makes gaslighting unworkable.
  • Trust your own gutOne the most insidious things about the situation is the denial of your reality. And this leads to self-denial of what your body is telling you.  Therefore, it’s important to re-connect with that inner knowing, and trusting it, no matter what.
  • Be defiant. Stand your ground, and don’t give in. You won’t be thanked for it; the person gaslighting you will not acknowledge your right to do so. It’s no good doing it for recognition and visibility – that will not happen! Do it for your own well-being.
  • Develop a healthy detachment. The emotional back and forth between praise and blame can be unhinging, unless you become the observer. It’s tempting to simply disappear emotionally – and you might, but there is a cost to disappearing. Developing a healthy detachment means remaining in the space emotionally, doing so by also understanding thoroughly that what is going on is not about you, but about the other person.
  • Find some way to tell your story – so that you develop your own means of remaining visible to yourself and others.

What to do about gaslighting

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.
Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Opening up – where it begins

I’m at a conference this week with a lot of other therapists. Gestalt therapists. And am constantly challenged to remain open to new ideas and ways of being.  It’s exhausting only when I feel the need to close; to stop taking in, or to fight against what my mind interprets.

Being open means more than being open-hearted. It includes relaxing the mind, so that it can do what it was always meant to do. Receive.

5 ways to listen better

opening

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

The mind is like a parachute; it only works when it's open - Zappa 

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.
Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

You are enough

What makes you hesitate when someone asks you something and you already know the answer? Or gleefully accepting a long-sought-after promotion that you worked hard for? Or disagreeing publicly with someone you admire.

It might be because you feel less than; that whatever you have to offer won’t be enough for the person who asks, offers or invites you to show your shining.

But, if you really have worked hard for what you have, if you’ve applied yourself passionately and honestly, then whatever you have to offer is worth it. It’s worth hearing and acknowledging. In fact, the rest of need it, and will be worse off without it.

You are enough. As you are. In this moment.

Being who we are

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

“We have to acknowledge sometimes that this moment is enough. This place is enough. I am enough.” - Sue Monk Kidd

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.
Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Get out there!

I write this title in trepidation, because I’m not an “out there” kind of woman. In fact just thinking about it makes me want to go read another book.

And that’s why I’m writing about it.  I suspect I’m not alone feeling this way.

I can’t tell you the number of times well-meaning friends have tried to “encourage” me to become an extrovert – because that’s what they’re really trying to do, whether they realize it or not. Or the number of teachers who take my way of being as a personal challenge to get me to convert to something more of their liking.

I cry out in frustration You guys leave me be! This is the way I am. Period!

To no avail. They can’t seem to help themselves.  Then – finally – one of these people suggested that what was really going on was that I was closed to learning something new.  That I was “unteachable”.

OK. That’s it! The final insult. You’ve thrown down the gauntlet? I accept the challenge.

No, I’m not going to suddenly become a raging extrovert. But I am going to deliberately get out there in ways that feel right to me. Not things that feel comfortable, but right, like speaking publicly, doing facebook live, and speaking my mind face-to-face.

I wouldn’t mind some company.
 
Morgan Freedman – Courage is the key to life itself

Burning the Candle?

If you’re someone who feels like you’re burning up and burning out – from too much ongoing stress, from too much responsibility and too little recognition, or simply from wanting to have everything done Now!, then you might be interested in my online program BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

Registration is now open for October. Check it out!

Quote of the Week

“The greatest act of courage is to be and to own all of who you are – without apology, without excuses, without masks … “  - Debbie Ford

Announcement

Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.
Need more? At times we need more  - we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us.  I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages.  For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach.  To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.