Archive: Anger and Depression

Anger and Depression, Meditation and Mindfulness

Mistakes

February 25, 2019 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

Mistakes. Like …

I’m experiencing a typical day in my life – rushing around, trying to get the most done in the least time. A friend calls and wants 5 minutes, but I’m panicking about getting everything done, and I put her off, telling her I’ll get back to her later. Then I don’t.
One day, after a long period of research and analysis, weighing the pros and cons, I decide to buy a car. That car turns out to be a lemon.

These are examples of the 2 kinds of mistakes we tend to make. The first happens when we don’t think, or pause, or consider the consequences. It happens because we’re afraid of something – not meeting a deadline, someone’s opinion of us, for instance. The second happens in spite of our best efforts, and is probably unavoidable.

The fallout from the first one is remorse, guilt, shame – generally feeling bad about ourselves. The second one has fallout too – but it’s more about feeling a loss, and then looking at what we could do better next time.

That first kind of mistake always hurts others, including ourselves, even if we don’t know it. Mostly, it hurts those closest to us. The second hurts too, but it doesn’t hurt others. It’s like getting a cut or even breaking a leg. It does damage, but it’s damage that will mend.

We can learn to avoid the first kind of mistake by first, becoming aware of how we end up making it, then making the changes that will prevent it. It takes courage to face our dark side, and self-forgiveness.

And … it’s so worth it!

How to learn? From mistakes!

Quote of the Week

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
― L.M. Montgomery

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Need more? At times we need more – we know the logic, know what to do. And yet something is still blocking us. I offer both one-on-one consultations and coaching packages. For more information, visit my website www.thejoyofliving.co/services-and-programs or contact me directly at maryanne@thejoyofliving.co . Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist and Life Coach. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co.

Anger and Depression, Meditation and Mindfulness

Mistakes

February 21, 2019 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

Mistakes. Like …

I’m experiencing a typical day in my life – rushing around, trying to get the most done in the least time. A friend calls and wants 5 minutes, but I’m panicking about getting everything done, and I put her off, telling her I’ll get back to her later. Then I don’t.
One day, after a long period of research and analysis, weighing the pros and cons, I decide to buy a car. That car turns out to be a lemon.

And … it’s so worth it!

Announcements

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here. If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Anger and Depression, Anxiety Stress and Fear, Newsletter

Imposter syndrome

February 18, 2019 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

A lot of people feel they are a fraud. Even Maya Anjelou felt that way sometimes. Members of traditionally underrepresented groups tend to feel this more. There are lots of motivational talks, books and videos that can help you if you suffer from this.

One aspect that interests me is this: in every thought there is at least a tiny piece of truth. I’m not saying I am an imposter, but I respect myself too much to poopoo this feeling completely when it does happen.

When I sense this thought creeping up on me, I’ve learned to ask myself a few questions, like “What legitimate reason might there be?”, “Am I afraid of doing something I’ve judged I ‘should’ already know, but is new to me?”, or “Are my personal expectations set too high?”.

Legitimate reason: perhaps there is something I don’t know and need to learn, or find someone else who does know this thing and get them on board. Nobody knows everything, not even long-time experts.
Fear of doing something new: As I get older, I also get more confident in what I’ve been doing for a while. Then something new comes along, and I’m a novice again. Will I get stuck, or make a mistake? Possibly, but if I have a strategy in place that covers this, I’ll be fine.
High expectations: This is probably the toughest one for me, because I do have high expectations for myself. A realistic assessment will help me adjust my expectations to something more attainable.

Traditionally, women feel this syndrome much more keenly than men. It’s been trained into us. If we’re honest, though, we’ll be able to exchange this undermining feeling for something more genuine and fitting. Pride in our own accomplishments, for instance.

The surprising solution to the Imposter Syndrome

Quote of the Week

“When I won the Oscar, I thought it was a fluke. I thought everybody would find out, and they’d take it back. They’d come to my house, knocking on the door, “Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.”
-Jodie Foster

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Anger and Depression, Anxiety Stress and Fear

Imposter syndrome

February 14, 2019 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

Legitimate reason: perhaps there is something I don’t know and need to learn, or find someone else who does know this thing and get them on board. Nobody knows everything, not even long-time experts.
Fear of doing something new: As I get older, I also get more confident in what I’ve been doing for a while. Then something new comes along, and I’m a novice again. Will I get stuck, or make a mistake? Possibly, but if I have a strategy in place that covers this, I’ll be fine.
High expectations: This is probably the toughest one for me, because I do have high expectations for myself. A realistic assessment will help me adjust my expectations to something more attainable.

Announcements

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters [link to latest newsletter that’s published in website ] for an sample]. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here. If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Anger and Depression, Newsletter

Daredevil!

January 14, 2019 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

Many years ago, I dated someone who loved taking high risks; his name was Tom. Tom raced cars that used Nitro for gas; he got a thrill out of swinging in high wind 300 feet in the air; he would walk into dangerous or toxic environments with little thought for his own safety. Tom did it because it was exciting. I admired him for his lack of fear – still do – and I would never want to do what he did.

But, I have done things that were exciting, thrilling, and dangerous: I’ve driven at speeds I shouldn’t because I’d crammed too much into the day; I’ve spent the entire night working on a project because I loved the thrill of doing something new, while completely ignoring what that was doing to my health. Doing those things some of the time are probably fine; doing them as a rule aren’t fine, and I did them as a rule.
I wasn’t so different from Tom after all!

Many of us confuse excitement with joy; happiness with fulfilment. Our jobs can be exciting – every day something new. But that doesn’t mean we are fulfilled or feel joy from them. If we don’t feel safe in our jobs, then we won’t feel joy either.

What does it mean – to feel safe in our jobs?

For Tom, it might be confidence in the structures he was hanging from. For me, it’s feeling appreciated and valued. If I don’t feel those from my fellow workers, I won’t stay.

Tom was a Daredevil. So am I – in a different way. I will walk out of a business, a job, a calling, if I don’t feel valued and respected. I won’t do it impulsively but I do know what matters to me. And that’s all that matters.

What matters to you? What are you willing to do for what matters?

If you know and are willing, then you know what it is to be a Daredevil.

The little risks you can take to increase your luck

Quote of the Week

“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.”
– Nikos Kazantzakis

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Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Anger and Depression, Meditation and Mindfulness, Newsletter

My Mother My Self

November 12, 2018 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

The title is from a book I read years ago. I still recommend it to my clients, because from observing myself and my clients over the years, I’m come to appreciate the inevitability of how we are our mothers and fathers, regardless of whether we want that to happen. I was recently reminded of it in a National Geographic article on Iranian nomads (October, 2018).

Nomadic women have hard lives: they traditionally relocate twice a year, living in tents in harsh climates, caring for their family and their flock, risking everything for their family every day. It’s traditional in these families that, once their husband dies, they are left bereft, receiving no inheritance for all that commitment.

But things will be different for their daughters. There’s world-wide internet and their daughters see alternatives. As one daughter said (encouraged by her mother) “Why should I make my life miserable? Like yours.”

I don’t blame her. But that isn’t what struck me as I read it. What struck me is that I said the same thing, and so did many of my female friends. And so do many of my female clients.

In any culture, if the woman (or man) is forced into a life they don’t want and that makes them miserable, their daughters (or sons) notice. And this is a powerful motivator behind doing something different with their lives.

Pico Iyer – Where is Home?

Quote of the Week

“When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself “
– Nancy Friday

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Blog: In case you missed it, here’s my latest blog.

Anger and Depression, Anxiety Stress and Fear

Closing doors

November 8, 2018 Maryanne Nicholls 1 Comment

I witnessed explosive anger today from an unlikely source. A woman, who I don’t really know, took offense at something said and stomped out, leaving the person she was with standing there. Then a little later, she returned, saying she really wanted to give her companion space, even though the only person clearly fuming was her.

We’ve all been there. Some of us might even have done something that foolish. And if we did, we know it never leads to anything good.

How do you know when to walk away and when to stay? I have to ask myself that question every time I’m tempted to leave an unpleasant situation: do I want to leave because it’s too much of a challenge, or because I’ve done everything I could and now it’s time to invest my energy elsewhere?

The simple answer: How am I feeling?

Am I fuming so badly I can’t think straight? If I am, then I know it’s all about me, and before I do anything, I need to own at least that.

Or, am I at the point of exhaustion, feeling my energy draining even thinking about getting involved ever again? In that case, perhaps it’s time to end things (with grace) and move on.

Or, is it a challenge to me to try and figure this out? Does it energize me when I contemplate moving towards it? If so, then do just that – move towards it, and see what happens.

Do I stay or do I go? The answer begins with self-honesty and then self-knowing.

“Close some doors today. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.” – Paulo Coelho

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If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here. If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Anger and Depression

Why the movie THE HATE U GIVE is a must-watch

November 1, 2018 Maryanne Nicholls 1 Comment

I was going to write about something else today – but then I watched the movie THE HATE YOU GIVE.

The movie is based on the book of that name by Angie Thomas. It’s about a young witness to a police killing and is just so relevant to all of us today. The title comes from a piece by 2Pac, a rapper who said “The hate you give little infants f**ks everybody”.

It moved me profoundly. I hope you watch it and that it moves you too!

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To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here. If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .

Anger and Depression, Newsletter

It’s so easy to keep us quiet

September 23, 2018 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

It’s so easy to keep us quiet – all we have to do is want something badly and believe that we aren’t worthy of it, somehow.

If you hurt someone and can’t forgive yourself. Or were sure of yourself until you made a big mistake. Or are afraid of letting your parents down by failing in some way.

This deep-down feeling of unworthiness might show up as perfectionism, or it might show up as hiding, or of being cowed down. I’ve felt it: I let a bully dictate terms to me for almost 9 years, after making a big mistake and having to start over. I’d been so sure of myself before that, then had the bad luck of letting someone who didn’t respect me dictate terms. It cowed me.

Then, when I came to appreciate what happened, it took a while to come to terms with the loss – of years, and joy, and even health.

You might be a perfectionist, or in hiding, or even cowed. It isn’t because you made a mistake – mistakes are part of learning. It’s because you learned to feel unworthy, deep-down. And that has to go.

It any of what I’ve written speaks to you, if it’s even a little familiar, then you might be feeling embarrassed and ashamed. That’s what kept me quiet. But it’s false. Here’s what you can do to shake off that false feeling – the feeling that’s been holding you hostage:

It’s a lie. It’s a lie that you’re unworthy, and anyone helping you feel that way is the one who is truly unworthy. Acknowledge the truth instead of the lie – that you are worthy and always have been.

Feel the rage. In shamanism I was taught that rage is the teacher of truth. Once you recognize the lie, and the truth, you will feel rage. And along with that rage, you will begin to reclaim your truth.

Question and confront. Question anyone who suggests, implies, or even acts like you are unworthy; anyone who demands something of you that isn’t actually worthy of you. Begin to know and appreciate your own worth, and from a stable and grounded place inside you, confront and challenge. This might look something like: “Please don’t speak to me that way; find some other way to say what you mean”. Or: “This is the best I can do right now”, without apology.

Be ready to leave a situation or person that won’t acknowledge you as an equal. This can seem hard. But once you claim your own worthiness, it’ll be a lot easier than you think.

Shame loves perfectionists

Quote of the Week

“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

― Brené Brown – how do I do this again to tag the blue dot people?

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Anger and Depression, Anxiety Stress and Fear

Hard talks

September 20, 2018 Maryanne Nicholls Leave a comment

I’m conflict-averse. How about you? My dear friend, Andy, says he’s conflict-averse, but I don’t know anyone who deals with conflict and confrontation better than he does. When confronted with a conflict, he’s always available, fair-minded, and to the point. And what happens is that the conflict dissappears.

I’m talking about those times when you either keep quiet and sit on something that bothers you, or speak up and bear the consequences. You might imagine the consequences will be big and painful, and that will keep you quiet. Then feel bad because you didn’t speak up. And, to compound the bad feeling, end up berating yourself for being such a coward.

Sometimes it’s true, the consequences are as bad as you imagine. But not always, and there are ways of mitigating them. It could be that you’re right in what you believe, but not great at effectively managing the confrontation, or being respectful of the other person.

Dr. Deborah Plummer, author of “Some of My Friends re…”, spoke recently at a Psychology gathering on conflict management. She advocates that when the goal is to reach a mutually acceptable conclusion, it might be better to opt for being effective and respectful instead of right.

Here are some of her examples: When the other person is…

Racist in some way, she suggests that you approach them with curiosity, looking for common values rather than blaming and shaming;
Not well-informed, focus on gathering common facts and testing assumptions (theirs and yours) instead of trying to “educate” them;
Being authoritarian, respond as an adult (rational) instead of a child-like (dependent) position, in order to shift the dynamic;
Demonstrates bad logic or bad thinking, recognize that you aren’t going to be able to change that, and move on with grace.

With every one of these examples, there is a common factor – maintaining your own inner balance and openness to the other. Once closed, none of us can deal well with conflict.

Announcements

If you like this blog, you’ll also like my newsletters. It’s written only for my insiders who sign up, and provides weekly insights, not only from me, but from others I admire.

To sign up for my insider newsletter, click here. If you find it doesn’t work for you, all you have to do to unsubscribe is click on the link at the bottom of the newsletter.

Looking forward to welcoming you to my growing list of insiders!

Maryanne

Maryanne Nicholls is a Registered Psychotherapist. To find out more, gain access to her weekly newsletter, meditations and programmes, sign up at www.thejoyofliving.co .